Fearless - A Journey from Fear to Freedom

Fearless.

She stood at the base of the mountain, looking up at the summit lost in the distance, obscured by clouds of doubt. There were others who had chosen to make their home in the shadow of the peak, they seemed comfortable with the monotonous passage of their lives. At times she wished she could accept a landscape painted in brown and grey, however she had glimpsed the vibrant colors that were possible if she just accepted her calling.

She knew there was more than she could see from the base so she began to climb, harnessing her fear and riding it into the future like an untamed steed of hope.

When exactly did her journey start? Was it a childhood memory frozen in the ice of uncertainty, or the loss of purpose while gaining the guise of adulthood that led her to walk a path less traveled? 

The way to the summit was difficult and strewn with setbacks and misleading paths. Many of these obstacles were her own creation, she had taken a wrong turn in an attempt to find an easier way. 

There were days when she was alone in her pilgrimage towards the peak. She would walk in solitude accompanied by her thoughts, with fear as her only companion. She yearned for someone to share her journey, even for a short distance. At times a stranger would walk with her for a few steps, then disappear as quickly as a wisp of fog in the early morning light. Some would share the story of their lives as they walked together, others would provide guidance as she navigated her way around the cliffs of doubt. 

At one point in her journey, she met a stranger and gave her heart away for an empty promise of comfort and security. They settled into a cramped shelter on the side of the mountain and called it home. Years passed, she realized she had given up her hopes and dreams for the dull grey of conformity. It wasn't that they didn't love each other, it was deeper than that. She had misplaced her joy, she had forgotten how to dance in the sunshine of hope. Her journey called her, she slowly packed her things and said a tearful goodbye. As she traveled, she came to accept that she had to make this journey alone, it was her’s after all.  

At night she would sleep with a blanket of courage wrapped tightly around her shoulders. The demons lurked in the shadows, waiting for her slip into a restless slumber. She kept the fire of faith burning, those were the peaceful nights. When faith was dim, the demons crept in to caress her face with maniacal delight, their bony fingers covered in shame and suffering. She would cry out in dismay, tremors of panic wracking her body with doubt and uncertainty. They told her she needed to make herself smaller, return to the base of mediocrity at the bottom of the mountain. They threatened her with embarrassment if she stood up and called out her fears. She believed them, and tried to return to the safety of indifference. 

Every time she turned back, the path would twist and lead back up the

mountain. The demons would return at night, clawing at her blanket of courage. She cried! she screamed! Again and again she fled back the way she had come, only to find herself climbing again towards the peak. Her strength waning, she finally stopped and faced her demons. She called them by name: Fear, Pain, Loss, Shame, Doubt. They slowly backed away, as she walked toward them with open arms. She embraced them with her last breath, accepting them into her essence. They became her strength, her hope, her love, her acceptance. Together, they traveled onward.

She continued to walk towards the peak tearing herself free from branches of confinement, climbing over boulders of disillusionment. She became like a phoenix rising from death throes of rebirth, recreating herself from the ashes each time. She became a keeper of the lost and forsaken, taking their pain and eating it whole. She would pluck from her breast and feed them with unconditional acceptance, convincing herself that she would find solace in their healing.  She knew she could take it, she could release their pain by making it her own and setting it free when they moved on.

She had overcome her deepest fear of inadequacy, and had proven that by allowing herself to be as powerful as she felt, she could heal others by lifting them up from a place of grace and love. It was so much easier to be whole, and give from a place of abundance instead of fear and lack. 

She stood at the summit her knees trembling from the exertion, tired to the very core of her being. She surveyed all she had overcome, and drew a breath of relief. She realized she had stopped trying to fit into the clothes of conformity. They had always been too restrictive, binding her from opening her arms to opportunity.  She tossed away the shoes of restraint and began walking barefoot along her path. She had found the robes of her calling. She proudly wrapped them around her shoulders, and began to sing her song of joy as she stepped into the void. 

Her journey is far from over, there are more peaks to climb and summits to see. Her calling is not an easy path, she will stumble and fall down the mountain, scraping her knees along the way. She shares her journey with others, giving of herself each time. Each time she becomes stronger, loves more freely, heals others without depleting herself. 

She is becoming - fearless.

Help Me God

Help me God she whispered, He responded with a friendly shoulder she could lean on. She leaned in, exhaling with relief.

Help me God I am sad! Deep inside I wonder if I can keep going another day, the burden of loss is so heavy. He showed her how rainbows were made, and the beauty found in holding another's hand.

Help me God she sighed. He reached out through others in pain, giving her a reason to cry. She held their hands, mourned with them as they passed on to another life.

Help me God she cried! He responded with someone in greater need, she reached out to help. She knew her prayers had been answered by seeing a different perspective.

Help me God she moaned. He wrapped her in the comfort of silence brought from loneliness. She found solace in her separateness and retreated further into peace.

Help me God she said in despair! He taught her that all was not lost, hope shined through the clouds. She danced with joy, and others joined her in song.

Help me God I am afraid! I am afraid of loving again after the agony of broken dreams and forgotten promises. He gave her unconditional love with another, creating a trust she had never experienced before.

Help me God I can't feel You! My days are empty, my life a shambles. He placed His hands under her, gently holding her as she recovered from addiction, found hope and became stronger in His love.
 

I Want You

I want you - to wrap me in your arms and hold me until tomorrow becomes yesterday.

I want you - to keep me safe from today's news as you read from a romance novel you keep by the bed.

I want you - to ride the depths of our devotion like a rowboat on a stormy sea.

I want you - to keep me safe from my own demons, let them fight with yours as we walk off into the sunset hand in hand.

I want you - to love me with a passion not bound by time or distance. I can still smell you on my skin, the taste of your tenderness so strong in my pores.

I want you - to be my champion, as I will be yours. We will slay the dragons together.

I want you - to watch as the world disappears as I gaze into the depths of your soul peeking out through your eyes.

I want you - to burn with a desire so strong the memory of our tryst ripples through your essence like lightening from a summer storm.

I want you - to whisper how much you miss me before you turn your head toward tomorrow.

I want your love, your touch, your everything inside me, beside me, always with me even when you aren't here.

The Surrender

Chipping away at the wall of courage, waves of insecurity reaching over to the other side. Each time the silence grows larger, and the time between breaths longer. Reaching for a life preserver to hold my head above water, drowning again and again.

Wanting to find solid ground for a moment of rest, it's in the distance just beyond reach.
Faith is failing, prayers unanswered in this moment of silence. Others watch from afar, they tried to help once but it was too heavy of a burden, I was too weak to carry it alone.

You whispered promises of a mended heart, I heard the wind over the wall. Your reluctant acceptance kept me holding on as the waves of sorrow dragged me away. I tried to tell you what I needed, my voice was still with fear. All that came out was a cry of pain - you backed up slowly leaving me reaching toward... nothing.

Crouched and cowering in fear, holding myself because no one else can. It's my burden to carry, reflected in the mirror of your face.

My Muse, My Mistress: Under Her Spell

She glides across the room in a crimson dress, my breath catches in my throat, her very presence creates an unfurling of desire. I cannot resist her siren call, just a glance brings me to my knees begging for her inspiration.  I want to fall into the depths of her soul, my longing for release overwhelming.

Our eyes meet as her dark beauty overtakes my vision, weakening my resolve. She leans close to whisper a promise of feverish prose we will create together. 

She slides a finger down my arm, bringing goose bumps to my skin and a flutter to my heart. Her bewitching gaze leaves no room for defiance. I pursue her as she exits the room, reeling with infatuation.  

She welcomes me into her embrace, sparks of passion heat up the pages as we create the next verse. Her presence enthralls me, her ravishing beauty leading me to extravagant heights and extended sonnets.  


With a sharp intake of breath, I am under her spell. My Muse releases my virtuosity, my unbridled prose, leaving my creativity lying on the page, spent.

My Muse, My Mistress - Her Return

My journal lies forgotten beside the bed, my scripts tossed aside the edges curling from age. I have forgotten the stroke of her hand, the brush of her lips as she whispered sweet prose for my pencil to create. Our passionate tryst just a memory, a forgotten photograph of happier times.

Though I try to recreate the rapture she invoked, my prose is lacking enchantment and intrigue. My Muse brought the pages to life with her dangerous ways, her wanton presence. Without her, I am a shadow of the writer I used to be, longing for the bountiful scripts she inspired.

My days have blended into months, her scent no longer lingers on the breeze from the open window. The yearning has subsided, her memory has faded into the background of my mind. I no longer reach out to stroke her silken hair, my heart no longer skips a beat at the thought of her dulcet tones. 

The breeze stirs, the pages of my journal shudder in anticipation. The curtains float away from the window, the summer breeze carries a glimpse of her perfume. My heart beats faster, I can almost feel her breath against my skin. 
Ah! Is it real? Has she returned?

I feel the brush of her lips against my ear, whispering promises of forgotten ecstasy. I turn from my desk; she is standing next to me her presence captivating in it's dominance. 

In my haste I stumble, falling into her arms with reckless abandon; A scorned lover forgiven. She embraces me as if she was only gone a moment,  leaving me sobbing with relief. She beckons me toward the locus of my enslavement with a bewitching look in her eyes. 

Again My Mistress captivates my heart and soul with a frenzy of unbridled prose.


 

You Were the One

You were the one to show me that my scars and self inflicted wounds are a beautiful diary of my life's journey. I honor myself by coloring in the lines with needles of ink on my skin.

You were the one who helped me find my happiness, hidden in the bushes beside a park bench. I had left it there years ago while searching for a lost book.

You were the one who reminded me that I created the shackles keeping me confined to the dark places of my soul. When I broke free, you applauded enthusiastically at my bravery.

You were the one who created an awareness of my beauty and grace. I had tossed them aside during my search for the proper outfit to wear on a first date.

You were the one who lead me to release my loss and sorrow and embrace a new hope filled with visions of rainbows drawn in crayon.

You were the one who showed me that solitude is more powerful than capturing a dragonfly in flight. In the silence I found my voice hidden in the space between words.

You were the one I followed into an uncertain future, the map drawn in the blood of lost innocence. I found acceptance by not holding anything back, and speaking my truth with love and pride.

You were the one that made me realize I could carve out my sorrow and fill the hole with self-love. I thought I needed your trust and security, I realized I had to give this to myself first.

You were the one that fought so hard to keep your distance, until I let go of your hand and embraced my fear. Now I walk alone into a fairy tale sunset designed in Hollywood.

You were the one. Now I realize my fears were shadows created by the dark side of the moon where eternity has claws and sharp teeth.

I don't need you anymore, I am the one.