Fearless - A Journey from Fear to Freedom

Fearless.

She stood at the base of the mountain, looking up at the summit lost in the distance, obscured by clouds of doubt. There were others who had chosen to make their home in the shadow of the peak, they seemed comfortable with the monotonous passage of their lives. At times she wished she could accept a landscape painted in brown and grey, however she had glimpsed the vibrant colors that were possible if she just accepted her calling.

She knew there was more than she could see from the base so she began to climb, harnessing her fear and riding it into the future like an untamed steed of hope.

When exactly did her journey start? Was it a childhood memory frozen in the ice of uncertainty, or the loss of purpose while gaining the guise of adulthood that led her to walk a path less traveled? 

The way to the summit was difficult and strewn with setbacks and misleading paths. Many of these obstacles were her own creation, she had taken a wrong turn in an attempt to find an easier way. 

There were days when she was alone in her pilgrimage towards the peak. She would walk in solitude accompanied by her thoughts, with fear as her only companion. She yearned for someone to share her journey, even for a short distance. At times a stranger would walk with her for a few steps, then disappear as quickly as a wisp of fog in the early morning light. Some would share the story of their lives as they walked together, others would provide guidance as she navigated her way around the cliffs of doubt. 

At one point in her journey, she met a stranger and gave her heart away for an empty promise of comfort and security. They settled into a cramped shelter on the side of the mountain and called it home. Years passed, she realized she had given up her hopes and dreams for the dull grey of conformity. It wasn't that they didn't love each other, it was deeper than that. She had misplaced her joy, she had forgotten how to dance in the sunshine of hope. Her journey called her, she slowly packed her things and said a tearful goodbye. As she traveled, she came to accept that she had to make this journey alone, it was her’s after all.  

At night she would sleep with a blanket of courage wrapped tightly around her shoulders. The demons lurked in the shadows, waiting for her slip into a restless slumber. She kept the fire of faith burning, those were the peaceful nights. When faith was dim, the demons crept in to caress her face with maniacal delight, their bony fingers covered in shame and suffering. She would cry out in dismay, tremors of panic wracking her body with doubt and uncertainty. They told her she needed to make herself smaller, return to the base of mediocrity at the bottom of the mountain. They threatened her with embarrassment if she stood up and called out her fears. She believed them, and tried to return to the safety of indifference. 

Every time she turned back, the path would twist and lead back up the

mountain. The demons would return at night, clawing at her blanket of courage. She cried! she screamed! Again and again she fled back the way she had come, only to find herself climbing again towards the peak. Her strength waning, she finally stopped and faced her demons. She called them by name: Fear, Pain, Loss, Shame, Doubt. They slowly backed away, as she walked toward them with open arms. She embraced them with her last breath, accepting them into her essence. They became her strength, her hope, her love, her acceptance. Together, they traveled onward.

She continued to walk towards the peak tearing herself free from branches of confinement, climbing over boulders of disillusionment. She became like a phoenix rising from death throes of rebirth, recreating herself from the ashes each time. She became a keeper of the lost and forsaken, taking their pain and eating it whole. She would pluck from her breast and feed them with unconditional acceptance, convincing herself that she would find solace in their healing.  She knew she could take it, she could release their pain by making it her own and setting it free when they moved on.

She had overcome her deepest fear of inadequacy, and had proven that by allowing herself to be as powerful as she felt, she could heal others by lifting them up from a place of grace and love. It was so much easier to be whole, and give from a place of abundance instead of fear and lack. 

She stood at the summit her knees trembling from the exertion, tired to the very core of her being. She surveyed all she had overcome, and drew a breath of relief. She realized she had stopped trying to fit into the clothes of conformity. They had always been too restrictive, binding her from opening her arms to opportunity.  She tossed away the shoes of restraint and began walking barefoot along her path. She had found the robes of her calling. She proudly wrapped them around her shoulders, and began to sing her song of joy as she stepped into the void. 

Her journey is far from over, there are more peaks to climb and summits to see. Her calling is not an easy path, she will stumble and fall down the mountain, scraping her knees along the way. She shares her journey with others, giving of herself each time. Each time she becomes stronger, loves more freely, heals others without depleting herself. 

She is becoming - fearless.

I Want You

I want you - to wrap me in your arms and hold me until tomorrow becomes yesterday.

I want you - to keep me safe from today's news as you read from a romance novel you keep by the bed.

I want you - to ride the depths of our devotion like a rowboat on a stormy sea.

I want you - to keep me safe from my own demons, let them fight with yours as we walk off into the sunset hand in hand.

I want you - to love me with a passion not bound by time or distance. I can still smell you on my skin, the taste of your tenderness so strong in my pores.

I want you - to be my champion, as I will be yours. We will slay the dragons together.

I want you - to watch as the world disappears as I gaze into the depths of your soul peeking out through your eyes.

I want you - to burn with a desire so strong the memory of our tryst ripples through your essence like lightening from a summer storm.

I want you - to whisper how much you miss me before you turn your head toward tomorrow.

I want your love, your touch, your everything inside me, beside me, always with me even when you aren't here.

The Surrender

Chipping away at the wall of courage, waves of insecurity reaching over to the other side. Each time the silence grows larger, and the time between breaths longer. Reaching for a life preserver to hold my head above water, drowning again and again.

Wanting to find solid ground for a moment of rest, it's in the distance just beyond reach.
Faith is failing, prayers unanswered in this moment of silence. Others watch from afar, they tried to help once but it was too heavy of a burden, I was too weak to carry it alone.

You whispered promises of a mended heart, I heard the wind over the wall. Your reluctant acceptance kept me holding on as the waves of sorrow dragged me away. I tried to tell you what I needed, my voice was still with fear. All that came out was a cry of pain - you backed up slowly leaving me reaching toward... nothing.

Crouched and cowering in fear, holding myself because no one else can. It's my burden to carry, reflected in the mirror of your face.

You Were the One

You were the one to show me that my scars and self inflicted wounds are a beautiful diary of my life's journey. I honor myself by coloring in the lines with needles of ink on my skin.

You were the one who helped me find my happiness, hidden in the bushes beside a park bench. I had left it there years ago while searching for a lost book.

You were the one who reminded me that I created the shackles keeping me confined to the dark places of my soul. When I broke free, you applauded enthusiastically at my bravery.

You were the one who created an awareness of my beauty and grace. I had tossed them aside during my search for the proper outfit to wear on a first date.

You were the one who lead me to release my loss and sorrow and embrace a new hope filled with visions of rainbows drawn in crayon.

You were the one who showed me that solitude is more powerful than capturing a dragonfly in flight. In the silence I found my voice hidden in the space between words.

You were the one I followed into an uncertain future, the map drawn in the blood of lost innocence. I found acceptance by not holding anything back, and speaking my truth with love and pride.

You were the one that made me realize I could carve out my sorrow and fill the hole with self-love. I thought I needed your trust and security, I realized I had to give this to myself first.

You were the one that fought so hard to keep your distance, until I let go of your hand and embraced my fear. Now I walk alone into a fairy tale sunset designed in Hollywood.

You were the one. Now I realize my fears were shadows created by the dark side of the moon where eternity has claws and sharp teeth.

I don't need you anymore, I am the one.

Not Yet

Not yet he said as he casually thumbed through a travel magazine he picked up at the dentist's office.
He needed time to consider the color of socks he would wear tomorrow.
Not yet she said, as she highlighted another passage in her self help book with the frayed edges and torn cover. She wondered how she could find the help she needed to heal.

Not yet he said when he forgot to call because he was at the carnival and a clown had his phone. I had a great time at the circus he said, you should have been there.
Not yet she said as she sat starting at a Thank You note yet to be written, tears held at bay. The gift wasn't what she wanted, but the knitted cat sweater was lovely.

 Not yet he said with a small smile, and promise in his eyes. He believed she would wait until the rain came again and hope bloomed like wildflowers.
Not yet she whispered as she fell asleep with her knees pulled up into her chest, hugging them tightly. She had grown comfortable with being alone, though she still wished for loving arms around her.

Not yet he said, it will all become clear sooner than you think. It had only been a minute in his opinion, though the calendar showed months had passed. 
Not yet she said as she stopped reaching and stood still. She was tired, and looked forward to an afternoon nap.

Not yet he said as he waved from the ferry leaving the dock. 
Not yet she yelled, as a two-bit thief tore her heart from her hands and threw it in the trash after clearing out the memories hidden in the side pocket. She retrieved her heart from the trash and walked back to the train station.

Not yet she said after she found her courage in a box on the top shelf of her closet.

Not yet he said, she didn't hear him.

My Muse: My Mistress - The Calling

I hear her calling, the siren song of promise and conquest. Again and again I turn away from her embrace, reaching for freedom; a long lost choice. I try to deny my own nature, running from her, my destiny.  Then she calls, I answer. 

I am not worthy of her love, of her approval. I am not worthy of her desire. I cannot deny her - she takes my breath away leaving me helpless in her presence. Undeniable in her treacherous beauty, she fuels my passion for her approval.

I try to resist her indisputable temptation. I try to ignore her heady perfume. She brings me closer and closer - calling, calling me.
We embrace, we dance, we dive into the depths of depravity; releasing a vision of inspiration, love lost, love consumed. 

I immerse myself in forgetfulness with the hope of returning to a time when I wasn't enslaved by her spell. She brushes away my tears and holds me close until the fear has passed.

She is my only vision - such a vision she is! Dangerous beauty with an iron will. I cannot escape who I am, who I will become.


She is my calling - she is my Muse, My Mistress.

My Muse, My Mistress: The Rapture

Our eyes meet, our souls touch and my heart flutters with joy. She weaves me into her web, binding me to her will. She whispers urgently, building the rapture with each breath. I am enthralled; I am at her whim. 

My Muse, My Mistress - I yearn to be in your loving embrace!

We join together in creative worship, gazing into each others eyes as we mount each summit. She seduces me at each turn of the page, keeping me under her spell. Giving and taking, she guides my hand with grace and purpose. She brings me so close, then subsides.
Her desire ignites an unbridled passion; creating fantasy with prose. Her iron will keeps me enslaved; only seeing her beauty as I write each line.

 She shows me the many ways to please her, keeping our story going until dawn. Our intercourse crescendos in the final chapter, bringing a satisfied culmination of our mutual affection. I fall back, drained of energy, besotted with our tryst. We lay together in shared satisfaction; exploring the artistry we have created.

She smiles, she sighs - until next time my love, until next time.

Copyright © 2015, Sandra J Oliver. All rights reserved 

My Muse, My Mistress: A Lovers Lament

You come into my life with a whispered promise, sweeping me off my feet. Your perfume overwhelms me, your desire buries me deeply in your spell. At first I am unsure;  would you stay true, could we make beautiful art together? You tempt and please, you cajole and tease. I fall for you as if we are to be together forever.

You are a harsh mistress; my muse. You demand so much when we are together, and leave me alone with no warning. Just as I give you my soul, you turn your back and walk away.
 
I cry! I weep! What have I done that you leave me desolate? Without you I am nothing, I cannot write, I cannot breathe. You are my inspiration, you are my motivation. Without you, I am just an empty shell barren of inspiration.

Sometimes days stretch into weeks without a word. I am heart broken at your betrayal. What can I do to entice you back? I promise to listen better, I subjugate myself to your will.
My life is to please you, only you make me complete.

Just when I feel that you have left me forever; you touch my cheek, you stroke my hair. You demand my complete submission; the punishment for less, too much to bear.

Copyright © 2015, Sandra J Oliver. All rights reserved